Bringing This Over From Carpe Ductem

I got an email today. Just one of a few emails, cards and phone calls that I've had over the past 4 months. And it made me smile, something I haven't been doing a whole lot of lately. See... I haven't been around for awhile... not here, actually not anywhere in the cyber world, and truthfully, not anywhere too much in the real world (except for work, school and those public places I had to be).

The last 4 months have not been particularly good ones for me. I pulled my usual stunt of burying my head in the sand and tried to ignore everything that was coming down. I put a smile on and tried to "pretend" that all was well in my life. Then I found it too difficult to pretend at work, to pretend for my kids that I just couldn't pretend to anyone else so instead I withdrew. I have some friends who didn't forget me while I was hiding and to them I say thank you.... getting a card in the mail or a voice mail put a smile on my face and truthfully tears in my eyes. It reminded me of what I was missing but I couldn't respond. Forgive me for that, please. Just know that it wouldn't have been a great conversation.

The past months have felt like I've fallen into a deep pit and I've been grasping at the thin roots sticking out of the sides, clinging... struggling to hold on. Honestly, if I didn't have my kids, I would've let go long before now. Instead, I am still clinging. And that's my own fault because I haven't done anything to help pull myself out of this hole I am in. I haven't talked to anyone... not family, not friends. I just didn't feel like I could not that I think I can now... so of course, I am blogging about them. Makes no sense, right? Wrong. Writing has always been cathartic for me and when I blog, I really am writing to myself... not necessarily to you reading it. It's easier to get some things out thru writing... speaking has never been my strong point. Of course, I don't plan on getting specific about the problems I am facing. I can't for a few reasons so I'll just keep it generic. If I find that isn't working for me I may have to make this a private blog or start a new one just for me. But I need to get it out...

So the time has come for me to do more than cling... I need to start climbing out of this pit by taking some action. It's a new year... a time for change... for new goals (I will NOT say resolutions because I've never kept one yet). But I need to to have a plan... to see it in writing.

2008 is the beginning of change... I am not that naive to think that 2008 everything will be solved and life will go on happily ever after. No, I certainly don't think that. But I do need to start making changes... some will be long term. Some immediate... some on-going and life long. Some will be made in the future after some other changes can be made first. Some may actually hurt others but in these cases I feel they still need to be made so that I can be happy with myself again.

So what are these changes? They cover just about every aspect of my life...

Starting with one of the easier ones, my HEALTH.
I need to make an appointment with a doctor. I need to have a complete physical. I can't remember the last time I had one and as for visiting my gyn, it's probably been 7 years (not since my check-up or two after K3 was born). Also, I saw a dermatologist about 12 years ago and she told me that I have very active moles and am a prime candidate for skin cancer. She advised me to have them watched yearly. Yeah, well, it's been about 10 years since I've had them looked at (probably the last time I had a physical as well).

About 14 months ago, I decided to become healthier by exercising and making some food changes in my life. I did really well for a few months then I waivered a bit. I had good periods and bad. I lost a total of 36lbs at my lowest and then I faltered last summer and put 15 lbs back on. I really did poorly this fall - I didn't exercise at all and ate lots of junk, mostly at work - but somehow managed to list 1 pound since October... while I can't complain about that, I don't recommend stress as a new diet. So I am back at it again, although I am not going gang busters. I am trying to ease back into a schedule. Monday thru Friday I am making sure that I use the fitness room at work. I am spending 30 to 45 minutes using the treadmill and stationary bike. I hope to increase this amount to an hour but for now am focusing on just getting my body down there every week day. Currently I am still down 22 pounds from where I first started and am still wearing smaller pants than I did back then. So I need to focus on these and continue.

As for the food, I am still not dieting but continue to watch my food changes. I drink only skim milk and Almond Breeze now (2% milk just doesn't taste right anymore). I have switched to whole wheat (mostly) for my bread. Having a husband and kids who refuse to make the switch doesn't always make it easy, but for the most part I try to make sure that I have whole wheat breads and buns in the house. I've cut out a lot of the sweets (although the last few months around the office was like junk food heaven). I am not buying the candy and continue to stay away from fast food restaurants unless impossible to do at that moment (like the mall). However, I try to make better food choices.

Getting fit and healthy is only one of my goals this year but it isn't my only so I am not sure how much I will focus on it. I just can't let myself get distracted from it by everything else going on.

Next, I need to work on PERSONAL relationships. I have great kids who are growing older every second. Their lives are becoming busier as is mine but I need to make sure that I give them time. K3 and I started reading a book in December and have only made it a couple of chapters in. I need to make time for that with her. She has asked and there have been too many times when I gave her reasons why I couldn't. K1 is a freshman. He is busy with scouts and the swim team. At least he gets to share time with his dad with all the scout stuff (although I'm not sure if he appreciates it now but I know he will when he looks back on it). It's harder for mother and son to find activities and time to share. As for K2, I think we're doing well but it can always be improved upon.

As for my marriage, all I'll say is it needs work.

My family (parents and siblings) is drifting apart. My parents are upset with all their children because we didn't celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. So the past two Christmas', they decided they didn't want to get together as a family anymore. I'm not sure how this one will be fixed nor if I am necessarily the one to try to fix it. However, one bright spot is that I have reconnected with my sister. Last year she moved to NC for health and financial reasons. We had not been particularly close for awhile. But in the past few months, we have had great conversations on the phone and have started to reconnect. It feels good to have my big sister back in my life even if only by phone. I just need to make sure I call her more often and not wait for her to call me.

I also need to work on my FINANCES. I need to get rid of the debt. I have to start doing whatever I need to work it down. I picked up a second part-time job in December and plan to work both for awhile. If I was smarter, it would probably be better to get one full-time job, benefits, pay, etc. However, I like the insurance job. Not necessarily the job duties themselves but I like the people I work with... I like the flexibility... I heard the pay will improve a bit this year with a raise... and I was just able to set up a simple IRA with them making contributions. So there are reasons to stay. I just wish I could work more hours there. During the holidays I put in more as I wasn't going to be paid for my holidays, I was able to bank my time. But now that the holidays are done, I am easing back to 20 hours/week.

I also need to make smarter decisions financially. I've always been rather stupid with money. I need to start spending less... doing without. I tried to do less at Christmas... it didn't necessarily work out. But there are quite a few areas where I can cut-back and make better decisions. The hardest cut back is vacation/trips. No more little weekend get-aways for me. Just can't do it. And there wasn't going to be a family vacation this year as the "boys" have a huge scouting trip this summer. But I had promised the girls a trip to the ocean while the boys were gone. Not sure if that will still happen. My brother has a new house that's currently unoccupied so if that situation stays the same and we could stay there and avoid lodging fees and restaurant spending. It may still be viable. I'll have to wait and see if that is still possible.

There are other changes to be made but I don't plan to go into them here.


So I have a long list of things to work on this year... changes that need to be made... other areas that need to be worked on. It's do-able... it has to be. I just need to stick with it. Be smarter. Be braver. Be strong and start pulling myself up root by root.